twenty months

Your dad is on spring break this week, which means less work instead of no work, but still some time to relax, and so we've gone to the park the last two afternoons, just the three of us, all the time in the world. You have been scared of things lately, careful, you say, nervous, you climb up the stairs to go to the slide but change your mind and come back down. But yesterday Luca was at the park too, and he is three months younger than you and fast and fearless, and he climbed right up to the top of the biggest slide and slid down into his daddy's arms, and I asked you if you wanted to slide to your daddy like Luca, and you said yes. We climbed to the top together, and I helped you sit on the slide, and you said you were ready, and I gave you a push, and your daddy caught you half way down. 'Gain! And then we did it again, and again.

Today we were going to go to the bigger park that is farther away, but it was six before we left the house and you were meandering, so we went to the close park again instead. I asked if you were going to ride the slide again, and you said yeah! When we got there you climbed up to the top by yourself, but couldn't sit down flat on your bottom with your rain boots on. So I climbed up to help you, but this time I didn't even have to give you a push--you gave yourself a little shove and slid down fast into your daddy's waiting arms. You ran back around, climbed the stairs, there was a space with no railing, careful, careful you said. You climbed the stairs to me at the top, I helped you sit down, I said to give yourself a push when you were ready. You shook your head. I said, Mama doesn't need to push you, you just push yourself when you're ready. You looked at your dad, then you looked at me and said kiss, then I leaned over and you gave me a big smack on the lips and pushed yourself down the slide. You gave me a slide goodbye kiss.

You have been so inspiring to me lately. I watch you and you know exactly what you want at every second of the day, and you are so happy when you get it and so mad when you don't. I know it is my job to temper you, to civilize you, to regulate, to modulate, to teach you to temper your own fire, your own steel, so you can get what you want out of this world. But the passion! The self-regard, the foot-stomping certainty of knowing what you want, keeping those safe is my job too, helping you become your own conduit, conduct your electricity, emit a soft glow, create sparks.

And your electricity feels like a jump start, like if I touch your hair and rub my feet on the carpet I can go off and do shocking things. Demand things of life. Illuminate, be illuminated.

Sometimes I whisper in your ear now, I say, come closer, mama has to tell you a secret. Then I whisper, I love you so much. So much! So much! you squeal. Then, secret. I say, do you have a secret for me? Tell me in my ear. You lean in, you whisper in a soft voice, secret.